I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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