So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
