ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
