Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
