I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
