I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
