I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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