I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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