I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
