so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
