Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
