I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
