Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
