Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
