I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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