Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
