I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
