You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
