i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
