I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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