cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
