You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
