And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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