SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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