He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
