getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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