I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
