capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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