when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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