Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
