Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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