dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
