Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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