i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
