sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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