Who wears a wallet chain?!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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