census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
