you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
