Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
