literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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