wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
