Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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