you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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