Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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