so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
