Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Randomize
