so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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