Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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