That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
