I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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